The Poison In Mind: A Hitomi Story
by CallingNewo
Summary: The drugs Hitomi gets will suppress her schizophrenia- but also her visions She must figure out the origin of the illness She can’t remember and she’s running out of time, because the final vision is coming!
1. Chapter One: Darkness

Subject: Vision Of Escaflowne Fan Fiction Title: The Poison In Mind : A Hitomi Story Author: Julie Hunter Disclaimer: The story is completely my own. However, the characters and related themes, names, direct and indirect references to The Vision of Escaflowne, is completely owned by its creators. I take no credit for the use of the characters and related themes, names and the direct and indirect references to The Vision of Escaflowne. Also the poem in the card is property of the greeting card company, BeauCraft, located in Mississauga, Ontario, Canada. Rating: All Audiences Genre: Drama/Suspence Spoilers: Yes  
  
Chapter One: Darkness  
  
The room was dark tonight. No moon. There never seemed to be enough light from that single moon anyway. That one, lonely moon. There ought to be two, like on Gaia, Hitomi would tell herself. In all, the room was dark, and that made it unpleasant. However, Hitomi knew that if she asked for something to light the place, she'll be in trouble for not being asleep. Everything I do is wrong. I'm always in trouble. No one... believes me. I should have stayed there!  
  
They had been giving her a drug. She hadn't seen her mother since that afternoon. She wondered when she would see her next. Hitomi had lost all track of time since she'd been here. She was not permitted to have clocks, watches, or calendars. The only thing Hitomi knew anymore was night and day, and she had lost count long ago.  
  
There were bars on her window. She had been moved to a room with a window a long time ago, because she was behaving so well, taking all of her medication. She requested it. The doctor in charge of her, Dr. Nishimoto, was a nice man. He let her grow her hair long. He let her have the window room. But the nurse, Ms. Yano, wasn't nice at all. She is the one who would not permit Hitomi to have any knowledge of time. She said it would depress her and make her dangerous to herself. Dr. Nishimoto was her friend, but Ms. Yano was evil.  
  
The room was dark tonight. Hitomi's mattress was bumpy and uncomfortable, because it was so thin, and underneath it were at least a hundred pills. It wasn't easy to not take them, Ms. Yano made sure Hitomi swallowed. But Hitomi was smart, she held them under her tongue until Ms. Yano left. Hitomi never swallowed one pill. She knew Ms. Yano was poisoning her. She told Dr. Nishimoto, but he said that they were what he prescribed. At first, Hitomi didn't understand why Dr. Nishimoto would prescribe poison, but she soon realized that the nurse was switching the medication. Dr. Nishimoto told Hitomi she had an overactive imagination, and that it was getting dangerous. That is the way he explained it. He would tell Hitomi she has a dangerously overactive imagination, one that could potentially hurt her and her loved ones. But she couldn't take the pills.  
  
It had been years since she left Gaia, since she left Van. She came back to earth only to meet the faces of people who accused her of lying and sent her to this mental institution. Hitomi had lost all track of time, but she knew what day it was. She knew the day, because her mother had come in to visit that afternoon. She brought her a gift. It was Hitomi's seventeenth birthday. So, she guessed, it's been about two years.  
  
Hitomi couldn't sleep. The dark was keeping her awake. As if in answer to her prayer, a holy light poured into the room from the far corner. Two tall, slender, beautiful women sauntered in. They were pale and translucent, they glowed and gave of a soft white light. One had black hair, and one had blonde. Hitomi recognized them both from Gaia. But they were ghosts. One was Vari, Van's mother, and the other was Marlene, Allen's first lover.  
  
"Hitomi..." they said in unison. Their voices were whispery and distant.  
  
"W... What do you want?" Hitomi trembled.  
  
"We are here to help you Hitomi." Said Vari.  
  
"We are representations of your Rhyme and Reason." Marlene added.  
  
"My R...rhyme and reason?" Stammered Hitomi.  
  
"Yes. Your ability to differentiate between reality and imagination." Said Vari.  
  
"Without us, people wouldn't be able to tell what's real or not..." Marlene stated.  
  
"Whether they are living in a fantasy world, or the real world..."  
  
"You are without your rhyme and reason, Hitomi."  
  
"We died twelve years ago... do you remember what happened when you were five, Hitomi?" Vari asked sweetly. "It's okay if you don't."  
  
Hitomi thought about it for a moment. "No..."  
  
"Everyone on your imaginary world with two moons, called Gaia, is a representation of something within your heart and mind, Hitomi. Everyone has these things, whether they are emotions or forms of common sense or wisdom." Said Marlene  
  
"But your mind was overcome completely by the mental infection known as Schizophrenia. You no longer had the rhyme, or the reason, to tell what was reality and what was your imagination." Said Vari.  
  
"Then how do I know whether or not you are real?" questioned Hitomi  
  
"We aren't." Vari simplified. "We are but visions, a projection of the part of your mind fighting against the illness. You have the powers to see visions Hitomi, a rare thing indeed. Your medication would have suppressed the Schizophrenia, but would also have suppressed your visions, and that would take away from who you are."  
  
"So we have come to guide you through this illness, so that all of the things that make you, you, will thrive on, not to be destroyed by some drug." Concluded Marlene.  
  
"How?"  
  
"You created Gaia in your mind. You did not actually venture there." Marlene explained. "Look back on it Hitomi, and realize the many incoherent things you saw and did while you were there."  
  
"But, how do I... wait!" Hitomi watched as they vanished slowly, taking their light and their comfort with them. Hitomi sighed in the darkness. "Look back... but you said you would... guide me." 


	2. Chapter Two: The Key

Chapter Two: The Key  
  
Hitomi had sat still in her bed for many moments, just thinking about Gaia. She didn't see how it would help. She had thought about it many, many times. There had been a lot of incoherent things; beastmen, giant machines, the Mystic Moon. None of these had given Hitomi any clue.  
  
Suddenly, there was another light, this time pale blue. Hitomi shielded her eyes. She was getting ready and preparing questions for Vari and Marlene, but, it wasn't them. It was Van.  
  
Van walked in, from the corner where he had entered, and sat next to her on the bed. He didn't appear transparent like the others, but he appeared real. He also gave off no light, but the blue light continued to shine from the corner of the room.  
  
Hitomi hesitated. Van seemed to be waiting patiently. She raised her hand to touch him, but was afraid of many things. She feared that she would pass right through him, or that he would retaliate, or that she would never want him to leave. She didn't have to make the choice, because Van took her hand. It felt real.  
  
"Hello, Hitomi."  
  
"Oh, Van..." She didn't know what to say. After their good-bye on Gaia, she could only dream of meeting, just like this, staring into his eyes once again. And now, she didn't know what to say at all.  
  
"Don't lose sight of yourself, Hitomi. Remember, this is a vision." He told her. She frowned and took her hand back gently. Van sweetly half- smiled and continued. "Cheer up Hitomi, you are strong. You'll come out of this alright." He then put on his down-to-business voice. "Hitomi, I am a representation of your love. I'm here to help explain things to you. But you must come to the conclusions on your own. I cannot tell you the answers, Hitomi, but I can help you figure them out yourself, by giving you hints. Do you understand?"  
  
"I think so."  
  
"Good. The clue I have to offer you, is your fear is the key."  
  
"My fear?"  
  
"That's right Hitomi, your fear. What are you afraid of, the most in the world?"  
  
"Ummm... I don't know."  
  
"Come on Hitomi, think. What really scares you? Everyone has at least one thing that terrifies them. We could resolve this all right now, but you have to know what that is."  
  
Hitomi strained her mind, thinking of scary things. Spiders, rats, the dark, small spaces, monsters in the closet, or under the bed, but none of them were right. None could be classified as a real fear. "I don't know."  
  
"No. You choose not to remember." He told her.  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Hitomi retorted, annoyed with this uncharacteristic Van.  
  
"Sometimes traumatizing things happen to people and they mentally block it out, not on purpose, so that the event and the memories of that event can't hurt them." He paused, thinking for a moment. "I was afraid that this might happen. Looks like it'll be along night."  
  
As if that was his cue, Allen showed up from the corner, bearing a yellow light, that ultimately made the light in the corner green. He too, seemed just as real as Van.  
  
"Allen, unfortunately is a symbol of your desire, and I don't understand why Rhyme and Reason wanted his help. The balance is perfectly fine without your desire meddling in it." Said Van, rather unimpressed. "You love me Hitomi, but you never wanted me."  
  
"Van!" Allen scorned, moving to the two of them. "We are here to help Hitomi, not to make her feel bad." He sat down on the other side of Hitomi, and turned to her, calming his voice. "Hitomi. We're going to help you conquer this. If you can't remember your fear, there's still hope."  
  
"We have to help you before you meet your final vision!" Said Van, becoming agitated.  
  
Allen remained calm and spoke softly. "You can do this Hitomi. We can provide you with only one clue. But we can help you work with the clue."  
  
"What's your clue Allen?" asked Hitomi.  
  
"It is that your fear is connected to something you and mother talked about earlier today. Something strange. So you remember?"  
  
"I... I think so," said Hitomi, feeling that knot in her stomach start to return. The knot that had formed when her mother looked at her so strangely.  
  
*  
* *  
  
"You have a visitor Kanzaki." Came the harsh voice of Ms. Yano. Her tone softened a little, "Oh, and happy birthday. You are seventeen today. Congratulations." Hitomi's mother opened the door. She had a little box, beautifully wrapped, in her hand and a large paper bag that seemed to be filled with stuff! She smiled brightly.  
  
"Hi sweety. How are you today?" Her mother said in a singsong voice, setting the container on Hitomi's side table. She picked up the novel Hitomi was reading. It was Dances With Wolves. There was also a dictionary, and a little bible. Her mother replaced the book and handed the gift and a card from the bag to Hitomi, giving her a great big hug, and saying "Happy seventeenth birthday, sweetheart."  
The card read:  
For My Daughter  
You mean so much to me  
  
Having you for a  
daughter is one of the best  
things that could happen to  
anyone...  
I am so glad you happened  
to me!  
  
Happy Birthday  
  
In the little box, there was a gold chain and a heart shaped locket. On the inside, there was a picture of Hitomi on the right, and a picture of her mother on the left.  
  
"Oh, Mom! It's so special! It is so perfect! I love it, thank you very, very much!"  
  
Then her mother took out a plastic container filled with very chocolate cupcakes. She handed one to Hitomi, and one to herself and whispered, "Make a wish." After they had their fill of cupcakes, they played some card games. That's when Hitomi asked the question.  
  
"It's a shame dad couldn't make it. Is he working?"  
  
Her mother just looked at her, her face twisted in agony. "Oh Hitomi..." she sighed and gathered her things, leaving slowly. Hitomi saw her start to cry as she went out the door. There had been a knot of dread and sorrow in her stomach.  
  
*  
* *  
  
The same knot she had now. It's connected with my father? Hitomi thought to herself. "I'm afraid of my father?" She asked Van and Allen. They exchanged glances. Van suddenly snapped. He grabbed Hitomi by the shoulders and held her so strongly, it hurt. He began to shake her violently.  
  
"You HAVE to remember before the final vision. Let it end now! WE CAN END THIS NOW! THINK HITOMI, THINK!"  
  
He was still shaking her when Allen jumped up and grabbed Van, pulling him away.  
  
"No!" Screamed Van, "She's going to get hurt! Before the final vision! SHE HAS TO DO IT NOW!! BEFORE!!"  
  
Allen dragged him into the lights, casting Hitomi one last I'm sorry look. Van sobbed something about loving and letting go, and they both vanished. Again, Hitomi was left in the darkness. 


	3. Chapter Three: Questions in the Night

Chapter 3: Questions In The Night  
  
The dark was enveloping Hitomi. She lay still in her lumpy bed, with the sheets pulled up right to her neck. Hitomi had never been afraid of the dark. Fear. What does fear mean to me? Flying? But I have never been in a plane. Maybe I have stage fright... I was in a play when I was five. No! That's just foolish. Well, then what?  
  
For many moments, Hitomi pondered on fear. Why did I block it out? Another light appeared - a soft orange glow. It was Merle.  
  
"Hey, Hitomi!"  
  
"Well, what are you Merle? My nine lives, or maybe it's my inner- kitty?"  
  
"Oh Hitomi! I'm nothing stereotypical like that!" She said, hopping up on the bed as Hitomi sat up to greet her. "I'm your curiosity."  
  
"Well I'm glad that isn't stereotypical!" Hitomi exclaimed sarcastically.  
  
"I AM trying to help, you know."  
  
"I'm sorry Merle. What is your hint."  
  
"I don't have one. But I do have a thought-provoking question that may lead you to discover your fear." Merle waited for Hitomi to think about this for a moment. When Hitomi nodded, she continued. "What is different about your birthday parties and everyone else's?"  
  
"That's your question?!"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Hmmm." Hitomi thought aloud. "Decorations, guests, presents, cake, gift bags, family... candles!" Merle's face lit up. "I never have candles on my cake, to tell how old I am."  
  
"That's right! Good job. What is very specific about that fact?"  
  
"She won't get it. I'll ask my question." From the corner a bright pink glow formed and in stepped Milerna. "Hi Hitomi," she called girlishly, waving and sauntering over to the bed.  
  
"Hi Milerna. What are you doing here?"  
  
"I unfortunately, am your jealousy. I am here to ask you a question that will make the candle thing, make more sense."  
  
"Okay. I'm ready." said Hitomi.  
  
"Alright. So you don't have candles on your birthday cake. My question is, has it always been this way?  
  
"Yes... no wait." Hitomi remembered, suddenly, going through old photo albums. She recalled seeing a picture of her fourth birthday party. She was blowing out four tall candles. "I had them before. A long time ago.  
  
"When did it stop?" asked Merle.  
  
"Shhh." Hushed Milerna.  
  
"Oh Hush this, Milerna, who is going to enforce these stupid 'rules' anyway?"  
  
"Ummmm... when I was five!" Hitomi exclaimed excitedly, as if it were all coming together suddenly.  
  
"Yep!" Merle said.  
  
"So my fear has something to do with that, huh?"  
  
"We have to go now," said Merle.  
  
"Yes. But there will be others. Don't worry." said Milerna.  
  
"Good bye."  
  
"Good bye Hitomi," they said together, as they sadly faded away. But Hitomi wasn't left in the darkness for long, when a great blue light came. At first Hitomi thought Van was coming back, but she realized this shade of blue was much darker. Five of the Dragon Slayers strode in and moved to Hitomi. They did not sit down. They stood obediently at attention. They had the glow, Hitomi observed.  
  
They were ghosts.  
  
Hitomi knew that Van had killed them. She looked at their faces for the first time. They seemed normal and friendly. Each of them had emotions and thoughts, strengths and weaknesses. They were human. She couldn't help but wonder what it would have been like if she had gone to Gaia and run into them instead.  
  
Chesta spoke, his voice whispery. "Hello, Hitomi... we are your belief."  
  
"When we died," said Gatti, "you no longer believed in FATE and destiny."  
  
Dalet said, "we're not sure whether or not that is a good thing, Hitomi." Hitomi smiled shyly. "Hitomi. We are not the only ones who have died, are we?"  
  
As he said this, Folken entered, a white light surrounding him, a normal arm, white wings. Jajuka, too, came with the same Dragon Slayer light. The Duke of Freid, in a golden colour. Zongi, Balgus, Dornkirk, Naria and Eyria. Everyone.  
  
"The final vision is coming, Hitomi." said Folken.  
  
"Yes. He is here... waiting." Said Jajuka. "Discover your fear, Hitomi, and in turn find yourself."  
  
"Well... what can I say?" asked Hitomi.  
  
"Let go, Hitomi. Say what your fear is, for now you know. Say it and let go." said Miguel.  
  
"It's... fire."said Hitomi.  
  
"Why?" they all asked.  
  
"I don't know. I haven't figured that out yet? Why?" The photograph came back to her mind. A cake with four candles. A banner that read "Happy Birthday Hitomi." A big stuffed bear.  
  
The bear! It was her favorite. But she had not had it in so many years. Where did it go? Suddenly, something opened up inside Hitomi's head. Her eyes widened and she gasped.  
  
"A fire." She uttered at last. The photo showed a place she did not recognize at home. It was her old house. The one that burned down. "There was a fire. My house burned down. We hardly made it out alive. That was my trauma."  
  
The visions shook their heads sadly. They began to mutter things. "She remembers,"... "but not everything,"... "why is she still blocking it out?"  
  
"Stop it!" Said Hitomi! They were silent. "Well?" she asked impatiently.  
  
"We are dead. We have no hints for you." they said.  
  
They began to fade away, just fade.  
  
"No! Come back!" Hitomi called. But they did not. They faded and left her alone again. In the dark, moonless room. 


	4. Chapter Four: Fire!

Chapter Four: Fire!  
  
"AHHHHH"  
  
"Get out! We have to get out of here!"  
  
"The door is jammed!"  
  
"Ahh! Uh hah wah!"  
  
"Hitomi, don't cry."  
  
"I can't get the door! Son of a -!"  
  
"MOM! DAD!"  
  
"Goddamit!"  
  
"I CAN'T GET THE DOOR TO OPEN!! GET OUT OF MY WAY!! PLEASE! GET OUT OF THAT WINDOW NOW!! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! CALL SOMEONE!"  
  
"Okay! I'm going! Everything will be okay Hitomi!"  
  
"MOM! DAD!"  
  
"Mom and you are getting help! I want you to get out of that window of yours. Go! It's burning in here!  
  
"O...okay!"  
  
"GO! STUPID DOOR"  
  
"Come on Hitomi! The sooner we get the fire department..."  
  
Hitomi awoke with a start. Sweat poured down her cheeks and forehead. She breathed loudly. The room she was in was red and hot. The corner was on fire.  
  
"Ahhh! My God!"  
  
"Don't believe in that silly God. He didn't help you before." Said a cruel voice from the shadows.  
  
"N....no! Go away!"  
  
Dilandau entered the red glow, a scornful smirk on his face. "Hope it isn't too hot for you. Thought you defeated me, did you? You faced your fears on Gaia, so I changed for a while. But, my frightened little rabbit, you're scared witless and I'm back! Hah hah hah ha!"  
  
"So you are my fear of fire."  
  
"Yes!" He said viciously, fixing his crimson eyes on hers. "And you'll not escape me this time, little girl!"  
  
Just as Hitomi prepared to say something to Dilandau, she was assaulted by another vision.  
  
She and her mother were standing on the front lawn. Police and firemen were all around. The house she stared at was completely in flames. They couldn't stop the fire. He couldn't get the door unstuck. They waited on the lawn all night for Hitomi's dad to come out of that window, but he never did. Later, by his burnt corpse, the officers had found many burnt objects he had been using to get through the door. There was a hole, but it wasn't very big. The room was on fire. They confirmed in the autopsy that he had passed out from smoke inhalation, and died of suffocation and burnt lungs. He didn't feel the pain of being burned alive, the doctors assured Hitomi's mother.  
  
He died. She had blocked it out all of these years. The fire.  
  
"No." Hitomi muttered weakly as she snapped back to reality. There was fire all over the room. The smoke was choking her.  
  
No. It was Dilandau. He had his hands wrapped around her throat!  
  
"No Dilandau!" she said as she tried to fight him off. The fire increased. "I am not afraid of you! I know the truth! I know that he died in that fire. I am not afraid of you, Dilandau. I am afraid of what took my father's life. It was the smoke. You are fire Dilandau. I do not fear these flames. They are visions. There is no smoke!"  
  
Dilandau released her. He stared at her, his face entirely emotionless. The flames were replaced with a teal glow. So was the red glow surrounding Dilandau. He changed. His shoulders became less broad. His face became slender and graceful, his crimson eyes were blue, his hair went form silver to blonde, his scar disappeared.  
  
It was Celena who now stood before Hitomi.  
  
"Hi Hitomi. You faced your fears and once again set me free." She smiled. "You set me free from Dilandau's insane mind."  
  
"Does this mean I am free."  
  
"You have come to accept your father's death. And you will grow and learn. From now on Hitomi, we can live free of the burdens of our past. I am your bravery. We have the will and the bravery to move on from the horrors, and to let go of the past. We have found ourselves, Hitomi. We are free."  
  
*  
*  
*  
  
Dr. Nishimoto watched as Hitomi stirred, waking up. He was standing over her. "I have defeated Dilandau!" She burst out, when she saw him.  
  
He began to flip through some papers on a clipboard. He found what he wanted and began to read carefully. "Ah yes. Dilandau - the pyromaniac."  
  
"I know what happened and I have accepted it. My father died in that fire."  
  
Mr. Nishimoto's face showed great surprise. Just yesterday, she thought her father was still alive and that everyone was conspiring against her. But this didn't change anything.  
  
"I remembered," she told him. "I have the will and bravery to move on and let go of the past. I am free from my burdens."  
  
"Very brave, indeed, Hitomi." Dr. Nishimoto chuckled. He was still very surprised. "Ms. Yano said she saw you last night, behaving wildly. You were strangling yourself and had to be constrained. You said some what of the same thing. You were in a trance, Hitomi."  
  
Hitomi's face changed. She no longer looked happy at all. Dr. Nishimoto sighed. I wonder what she is thinking. She didn't even know we were there last night, holding her down. Yes, he thought, I know you defeated Dilandau. I heard you say it. I was there.  
  
"Hitomi," he said to her, "you have not been completely honest with  
me, have you? Is there anything you would like to tell me?"  
  
"No. I have been honest!" She protested.  
  
"Last night, while you were being so violent, these fell out of your mattress."  
  
Hitomi's eyes fell to the floor. Little pink pills were everywhere. All over the place. "I..."  
  
"You can't hurt yourself like this."  
  
"But I am cured! I won't! I have my rhyme and reason back, and my belief. Celena is free and so am I! I'm free. I have accepted his death! He knows!"  
  
"You don't know that you are doing it. You can't tell me you won't hurt yourself anymore."  
  
"But Dilandau was the one. And now he is gone! I swear it! Dilandau is gone! Ahhhhh!"  
  
"How much longer will she be here, Doctor?"  
  
"We will have to switch the medication to injection." Dr. Nishimoto replied.  
  
He and Ms. Yano exited the room, while four other doctors strapped Hitomi down to a Gurney and wheeled her down the halls to a safer room. Hitomi's cries echoed through the corridors of the asylum.  
  
"I've let go! I'm free! I'M FREE!!"  
  
THE END 


End file.
